Set & Enforce Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries define where one person ends and another person begins. In relationships, they express your limits and expectations and how you want others to treat you. People do not inherently know your boundaries, so you must define them clearly for others. Boundaries are also about self-respect and not allowing others to mistreat you. 

In healthy families, healthy boundaries facilitate the following:

• Authentic individuality

• Conflict resolution

• Open communication

• Respect 

Types of Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a form of self-care and self-respect. You can set and enforce different types of boundaries to ensure healthy relationships:

• Emotional boundaries: the right to express your feelings in a manner reflecting your authentic self.

• Financial boundaries: the right to spend money as you choose and the right to receive fair compensation for your work.

• Intellectual boundaries: freedom to express your ideas and thoughts and keep information private if you prefer.

• Physical boundaries: the right to decide who touches you and how you wish to be touched.

• Sexual boundaries: the right to decide how you define yourself sexually as well as when, how often, and with whom you wish to have sexual intimacy.

• Spiritual boundaries: freedom to worship and believe as you wish or freedom not to worship.

• Time boundaries: the right to choose how you spend your time.

Strong Boundary Statements

If you have tried to set boundaries with family members and have had no success, it is time to begin using strong boundary statements if you feel it is safe to do so. When “No!” or “Stop!” doesn’t work with your family members, you need to use assertive boundary statements that will clearly let them know where they stop and where you start:

• “I will end this conversation if you keep yelling at me. We can talk when you gain control of your emotions.”

• “I’d rather not answer that question.”

• “I’d rather not discuss that topic.”

• “I’m not looking for advice on that topic right now.”

• “It’s not OK to abuse me.”

• “It’s not OK to hurt me.”

• “It’s not OK to keep telling me to do something when I have already said, ‘No, I’m not going to do that.’”

• “It’s not OK to shame me.”

• “It’s not OK to embarrass me and make me feel stupid.”

• “It’s not OK to try to control or manipulate me.”

• “It’s not OK to try to change me.”

• “It’s not OK to use religion to control or manipulate me.”

• “It’s not OK for you to give unsolicited advice without asking my permission.”

• “It’s not OK for you to raise your voice at me.”

• “It’s not OK for you to speak to me in that tone of voice.”

When using strong boundary statements, make sure your tone and body language indicate a desire to improve the relationship and not pick a fight. Your goal is to be respectful while communicating how you want to be treated for your own self-respect. 

—Excerpt from: The Toxic Family Solution, Steven Todd Bryant, Footlight Press Books, 2023

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