Strategies for Dealing with Toxic Relationships
Strategies for Spending Time with Unhealthy Families
Toxic family members can make you feel angry, fearful, and stressed out. Any time you spend with your toxic family can drain the life out of you. Thankfully, there are strategies you can use to make spending time with toxic family members less stressful. Using the following techniques, you can minimize anxiety and add inner calm to your interactions with your toxic family. Always remember your health and well-being must be your top priority, especially in an unhealthy environment.
Below are healthy strategies you can use when spending time with your unhealthy family:
Always breathe, be present, and be aware of your body. Stay mindful of your negative thoughts and remain in the moment. Remain grounded when your family loses touch with reality. Don’t get stuck in your head. Feel your fingers, feet, and toes to remind yourself you have a body.
Be cautious of anyone in your family who frequently tells you what you “should” or “should not” do. They may be trying to control, manipulate, or change you. Avoid spending too much time around people who don’t accept you and want to change you.
Do not ask unhealthy family members for advice, and be careful when they offer it (which they constantly do). If they do not accept you just as you are, their advice will always be about changing you to be like them or to become the person they want you to be.
Before and after family visits, take a social media break from unhealthy family members if needed.
Change the subject or make a joke if the conversation gets too serious or heavy.
Don’t argue viewpoints, and always allow others to have differing opinions. You don’t have to be right all the time or have everyone always agree with you. Your value and worth as a human being have nothing to do with your point of view.
Don’t be surprised when people with a history of losing their temper get upset.
Don’t change your behavior to please others.
Don’t take their behavior personally. It’s never about you.
Don’t try to be perfect or expect others to be perfect.
Don’t try to change or fix your family. People will only change when they are ready to change.
Leave if you must. You don’t need to leave mad or give an explanation.
Never feel obligated to share private information with an unhealthy family member.
Reduce the length and frequency of your family visits.
Set boundaries, and don’t be surprised if unhealthy family members get angry when you assert yourself. “No!” is a complete sentence. “I don’t want to talk about that right now!” is a perfectly healthy response.
Take a walk outside when you need some fresh air and perspective. Take a break when you need one. To find calm, go to the bathroom to collect your thoughts or clear your mind.
Use cocktail party rules: (1) Avoid talking about yourself: Ask others, “So what’s new with you?” (2) Keep the conversation light and avoid deep questions. (3) Don’t discuss religion, politics, health, diet, or other hot topics you know will upset them and trigger conflict or unhealthy behavior.
Repeat positive self-affirmations such as “I am enough!” “I am OK, just as I am!” and, “I can be OK even if others are not OK.”
Try not to let your visit cause you to feel hopeless or depressed.
After you visit your family, reach out to a safe, supportive, and empathetic person to destress and debrief.
See your therapist before and after your family visit if needed.
Pick one or two of the above strategies every time you spend time with your family. Find the ones that work best for you, and if you are in therapy, share your successes and failures with your therapist. When spending time with your toxic family, express your authentic self and protect your well-being at all times. You must take action when your family tries to control, manipulate, shame, humiliate, or change you. If necessary, you can always leave.
—Excerpt from: The Toxic Family Solution, Steven Todd Bryant, Footlight Press Books, 2023